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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:02:28 GMT -5
A lady goes to the doctor's office and
tells the doctor that she can't get
her husband to have sex with her
anymore.
So, the doctor gives her some pills
and says to give her husband one each
night in his dinner whenever she wants
to have sex.
That night she gave him one and they
had a decent night of sex. The next
night she decided to try 4 pills and
she had even better sex. Well the
next night she tried 8 pills and the
sex was wonderful. So the next night
she decided to dump the whole bottle
in his dinner.
A few weeks later her son showed up at
the doctor's office and and
said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do
to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my
sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and
my dad's going around saying here
kitty, kitty, kitty!"
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:04:06 GMT -5
Promisquity in China
An American tourist goes on a trip to
China . While in China , he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use
a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the
States, he wakes one morning to find
his penis covered with bright green
and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see
a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like it, orders some
tests and tells the man to return in
two days.
The man returns in a couple of days
and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very
little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and
says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc". The
doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no
known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your
penis". The man screams ! In
horror, "Absolutely not! I want a
second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your
choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a
Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis
and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah,
yeah, I already know that!, but what
we can do? My American doctor wants to
operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and
laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always
want to opelate. Make more money, that
way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You
no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by
itself! You save money."
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:07:21 GMT -5
This is good but not a joke
Girls leave their schedule wide-open
and wait for a guy to call and make
plans.
Grown women make their own plans and
nicely tell the guy to get in where he
fits
**********
Girls want to control the man in their
life.
Grown women know that if he's truly
hers, he doesn't need controlling.
**********
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize
you hadn't.
**********
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a
time for personal growth.
**********
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.
**********
Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come
home.
**********
Girls worry about not being pretty
and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty
and/or good enough for any man.
**********
Girls try to monopolize all their
man's time ( I.e., don't want him
hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of
space makes the 'together time' even
more special-and goes to kick it with
her own friends!
**********
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a
tissue.
**********
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell'
their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him
comfortable enough to reciprocate
without fear of losing his 'manhood'.
**********
Girls get hurt by one man and make all
men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just
one man.
**********
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly
after the object of their affection,
ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the
one you love, don't always love you
back-and move on, without bitterness.
**********
Girls will read this and get an
attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it
on to other Grown women and their male
friends".
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:13:42 GMT -5
Googly
A couple was invited to a swanky
Halloween party by a family friend, in
which all attendees were required to
wear a mask. The wife got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to
the party alone, and to make sure to
say hello to her family. He, being a
devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed and there
was no need for his good time to be
spoiled by not going. So he took his
costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, woke without pain and
as it was still early, decided to go
to the party. As her husband didn't
know what her costume was, she thought
she would have some fun by watching
her husband to see how he acted when
she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon
spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor,
dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here
and a little kiss there. His wife went
up to him and being a rather seductive
babe herself, he left his new partner
high and dry and devoted his time to
her. She let him go as far as he
wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered
a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of
the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just
before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he
would make up for his outrageous
behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he
came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. "Oh, the same old thing .
You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." Then she
asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other guys, so we went into the spare
room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly
wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed
sarcasm.
"Actually, I gave my costume to my
driver; apparently he had the time of
his life."
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:18:29 GMT -5
Mailman's last day
It was the mailman's last day on the
job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to
the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on
his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him
and sent him on his way with a big
gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him
with a box of fine cigars. The folks
at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the final house he was met at the
door by a strikingly beautiful blonde
in a revealing negligee. She took him
by the hand, gently led him through
the door ( which she closed behind
him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with
the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.
When he had enough they went
downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham,
sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-
squeezed orange juice. When he was
truly satisfied she poured him a cup
of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for
words," he said, " but what's the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told
my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do
something special for you. I asked him
what to give you."
He said, "Screw him - - - give him a
dollar ."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The
breakfast was my idea "
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:20:31 GMT -5
Elderly Married
AN ELDERLY MARRIED COUPLE SCHEDULED
THEIR ANNUAL MEDICAL EXAMINATION ON
THE SAME DAY SO THEY COULD TRAVEL
TOGETHER.
AFTER THE EXAMINATION, THE DOCTOR THEN
SAID TO THE ELDERLY MAN; "YOU APPEAR
TO BE IN GOOD HEALTH. DO YOU HAVE ANY
MEDICAL CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE
TO DISCUSS WITH ME?"
"IN FACT, I DO ", SAID THE MAN.
"AFTER I HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE FOR THE
FIRST TIME, I AM USUALLY HOT AND
SWEATY. AND THEN, AFTER HAVING SEX
WITH MY WIFE THE SECOND TIME, I AM
USUALLY COLD AND CHILLY."
"THIS IS VERY INTERESTING ", REPLIED
THE DOCTOR. "LET ME DO SOME RESEARCH
AND GET BACK TO YOU."
AFTER EXAMINING THE ELDERLY LADY, THE
DOCTOR SAID: "EVERYTHING APPEARS TO
BE FINE. DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL
CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO
DISCUSS WITH ME?"
THE LADY REPLIED THAT SHE HAD NO
QUESTIONS NOR CONCERNS. THE DOCTOR
THEN ASKED; "YOUR HUSBAND HAD AN
UNUSUAL CONCERN. HE CLAIMS THAT HE IS
USUALLY HOT AND SWEATY AFTER HAVING
SEX THE FIRST TIME WITH YOU AND THEN
COLD AND CHILLY AFTER THE SECOND
TIME. DO YOU KNOW WHY?"
"OH THAT OLD COOT!" SHE
REPLIED. "THAT'S BECAUSE THE FIRST
TIME IS USUALLY IN JULY AND THE SECOND
TIME IS USUALLY IN DECEMBER!"
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:22:16 GMT -5
A little boy wakes up three nights in
a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parents' bedroom.
Finally, one morning he goes to his
mom and says, "Mommy, every night I
hear you and daddy making noise and
when I look in you're bouncing up and
down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and
says. "Oh... Well I'm bouncing on his
stomach because he's fat and that
makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work. "
His mom says, "Why? "
The boy replies. "Because the lady
next door comes by after you leave
each day and blows him back up!"
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:24:37 GMT -5
The problems with "HE" as thought
by "SHE"
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are
IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are
trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from
VILLAGE.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are
STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no
BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose
FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to
POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE
u.(very true huh?)
If u don't MAKE LOVE with him., he
says u DON'T LOVE him;
If u DO!! He says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u
are TROUBLESOME;
If u DON'T, he says that u don't TRUST
him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to
him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES
for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be
TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do
so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says
it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAIN.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:26:20 GMT -5
Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing
another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese
detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to
watch and report any activities that
might develop.
A few days later, he received this
report:
Most honorable sir :
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE!
*******
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:27:30 GMT -5
Before the marriage: ------------ ----- He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: NO! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me ? He: Of course! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: NO! Why you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Yes! She: Will you hit me? He: No way! I'm not such kind of person! She: Can I trust you? He: Yes. ------------ ---- Now after the marriage you can read it from bellow to up, start with second last line  !!!! |
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:30:48 GMT -5
A lady approaches a priest and tells
him, "Father, I have a problem. I have
these two talking female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing.
They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do
you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest
exclaimed. "But I do have a solution
to your problem. Bring your two
parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male talking
parrots to whom I have taught to pray
and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your
parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase, and your female parrots will
learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her
female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are
holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her female
talking parrots in with the male
alking Parrots, and the female parrots
say, " Hi, we're hot. Do you want a
date?"
One male parrot looks over at the
other male parrot and screams, "Put
your Bible away Idiot, our prayers
have been answered!!!! !!!"
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:33:01 GMT -5
Wife vs. Husband
A couple drove down a country road for
several miles,
Not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede
their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep ," the wife replied, "In-laws."
************ ****
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife
about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife
and asked, " What?"
************ ****
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I
don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be
attracted to you!
************ ****
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an
argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it,
because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge
of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I
can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it,
and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe
that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened
the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages,
That it indeed
says........ .. "HEBREWS"
************ ****
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some
problems at home and were givingeach
other the silent treatment. Suddenly,
the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to
break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left
it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious , he
was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a
piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake
up."
************ ****
Men are not equipped for these kinds
of contests. Really !.
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:36:10 GMT -5
The doctor said, "Woody, the good news
is I can cure your headaches.
The bad new is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles
to press on Your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Woody was shocked and depressed. He
wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under
the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was
without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's
what I need... A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the
salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Woody laughed, "That's right, how did
you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the
tailor said.
Woody tried on the suit.. It fit
perfectly.
As Woody admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
a New shirt?"
Woody thought for a moment and then
said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Woody and
said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-
1/2 neck."
Woody was surprised, That's right, how
did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Woody tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.
Woody walked comfortably around the
shop and the salesman asked," How
about some new underwear?"
Woody thought for a moment and
said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size
36."
Woody laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've
worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You
can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 9, 2007 19:38:35 GMT -5
A professor began his class by holding
up a glass with some water in it.
He held it up for all to see; asked
the students,' How much do you think
this glass weighs?'
'50gms!' .... '100gms!' ......'125gms'
......the students answered.
'I really don't know unless I weigh
it,' said the professor,'but, my
question is: What would happen if I
held it up like this for a few
minutes?'
'Nothing' the students said.
'Ok what would happen if I held it up
like this for an hour? ' the professor
asked.
'Your arm would begin to ache' said
one of the students.
'You're right, now what would happen
if I held it for a day?'
'Your arm could go numb, you might
have severe muscle stress; paralysis;
Have to go to hospital for
sure!'ventured another student; all
the students laughed.
'Very good. But during all this, did
the weight of the glass change? ' asked
The professor. 'No' the students said.
Then what caused the arm ache & the
muscle stress?'
The students were puzzled.
'Put the glass down!' said one of the
students.
'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's
problems are something like this.
Hold it for a few minutes in your
head; they seem OK.
Think of them for a long time & they
begin to ache. Hold it even longer &
they begin to paralyze you. You will
not be able to do anything.
It's important to think of the
challenges (problems) in your life,
but
EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'put them down'
at the end of every day before you go
to sleep.
That way, you are not stressed, you
wake up every day fresh & strong & can
handle any issue, any challenge that
comes your way!'
Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!
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Post by cedieyui on Aug 10, 2007 18:38:27 GMT -5
Nag-aaral ako sa La Salle.
Ang dami kong kaklaseng Intsik.
Apelyidong Uy, Lim, Tan, Co, Go, Chua,
Chi, Sy, Wong, Wy, at kung anu-ano
pa. Pero sa kanilang lahat kay
Gilbert Go ako naging malapit.
Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa,
madalas siya ang taya sa tuwing
gigimik ang barkada.
Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang
ama. Sinamahan ko siya sa
pagdalaw. Nasa ICU na noon ang
kanyang ama dahil sa stroke. Naron
din ang
ilan sa kanyang malalapit na kamag-
anak.
Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang
usapan.... hindi ko maintindihan.
Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-
usap, nagkayayaan nang umuwi. Maiwan
daw
muna ako at pakibantayan ang kanyang
ama habang inihahatid nya ang kanyang
mga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital.
Lumipat ako sa gawing kaliwa ng kama ng
kanyang ama para ilapag ang mga iniwan
nilang mga gamit na kakailanganin ng
magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang
ilalapag ko na ay biglang nangisay ang
matanda.
Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga...
Kinuyom nya ang kanyang palad at
paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang
intsik na hindi ko maintindihan.
"Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta
guae yong khee"... "Di ta guae yong
khee".. paulit-ulit nya itong
binigkas bago siya malagutan ng
hininga.
Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang
kanyang ama. Ikinagulat nya ang
pangyayari ngunit marahil ay tanggap
na rin nya na papanaw na ang kanyang
ama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa
kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon na yata ang
pinakamasidhing pagluha na nasaksihan
ko.
Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong
magdadatingin uli ang kanyang mga
kamag-anak.
Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi. Habang
nasa taksi.. tinawagan ko ang iba pa
naming kabarkada. Una kong tinawagan
si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si Noel
mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano
ang ibig sabihin ng "Di ta guae yong
khee".
"Huwag mong apakan ang
oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba
narinig 'yan?".
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!!!!